Bursack: How to handle repeat calls due to short-term memory loss

Column signature by Troy Becker By Carol Bradley Bursack Today at 10:00 AM Listen Comments Share Share this article Opinion Opinion Advocates for ideas and draws conclusions based on the interpretation of facts and data. The Trust Project What is this? Dear Carol: My wonderful mom is 82, lives in assisted living and has short-term memory loss. She enjoys her community friends and the activities. I’m a working mother with teenagers and a husband, and Mom’s incessant phone calls are driving me nuts. She’s not distressed and doesn’t seem lonely; rather, she’s checking in to see how I’m doing. That’s lovely, except she’ll call again 10 minutes later, and again a while later. This goes on until something distracts her. I don’t want to ignore her calls, but I can’t leave a meeting for non-emergency reasons, and I don’t want to ignore my family. Do you have any advice other than simply living with the guilt of not answering? – JF Dear JF: Sigh. I feel for you. Like many other caregivers, I’ve been there, and it’s an awful predicament. I’m sorry to say that there is no perfect answer that I know of. ADVERTISEMENT Firstly, let me say that it doesn’t help when someone whose parents have passed says to answer every call because when they are gone you’d give anything to hear their voice. I understand that they mean well. They miss their parents and view this through the tinted glasses of carefully curated memory. What you need is practical advice for a heartbreaking challenge. I cared for multiple aging adults living in different situations while I simultaneously cared for two children. When my mom called repeatedly, I'd answer the first time and see what she wanted or needed. After chatting with her, often telling her how good she looked when I visited that morning, I’d let my situation guide me. If I was at home and not urgently needed, I’d answer the second call. If her question was the same as before, I’d (painfully) ignore the next call, knowing she’d forgotten she’d just called. Then, I'd answer the next one, ignore the next and onward until she got distracted by her TV show. Was it still stressful? Yes. I understood that this was about memory loss, but I had to tend to other things, too. I knew of no other way to handle it, so I did my best to muddle through. Even years later, I could offer no better advice — until now. Kirstin Thomas watched her mom care for her grandmother who lived with Alzheimer’s, and now she's caring for her own mom with memory loss. Kirstin’s mom calls repeatedly, and she feels guilty if she can’t answer, yet she has children and a job. Since Kirstin is in the tech field, her mind went to tech for a solution, and she eventually created KindredMind ( https://kindredmind.care ). The app learns your voice and is trained to offer soothing conversation just as if you’d personally answered. There are no perfect answers, JF, but if I were in that situation now, I think I’d look into KindredMind. Check the website for details on how it works. Just hearing your voice could soothe your mom, and you’d live with less guilt. Call back when you can. ADVERTISEMENT Read more columns from Carol Bradley Bursack Bursack: Losing hospice services when someone no longer meets the criteria Oct 31 Bursack: End-of-life doula could provide comfort and assistance Oct 24 Bursack: Not treating hearing loss decreases quality of life, increases dementia risk Oct 17 Comments Share Share this article Opinion Opinion Advocates for ideas and draws conclusions based on the interpretation of facts and data. The Trust Project What is this? Tags Tags WELLNESS FAMILY By Carol Bradley Bursack Carol Bradley Bursack, a certified dementia support group facilitator, has provided care for multiple family members. She’s also an author, newspaper columnist, consultant, and blog host at www.mindingoureldersblog.com. Carol can be reached by using the contact form at www.mindingourelders.com. Listen to this article Conversation ADVERTISEMENT What To Read Next Lifestyle Mulch around a panicle hydrangea is the best winter protection 3h ago · By Don Kinzler Lifestyle YWCA Cass Clay marks 120 years of protecting women in crisis 3h ago · By Tracy Briggs Lifestyle What if this winter’s forecast holds true? 5h ago · By Don Kinzler ADVERTISEMENT Get Local Must Reads Moorhead How will vacant Moorhead City Council, Moorhead School Board seats be filled? 6h ago · By Ingrid Harbo North Dakota Driver charged in fatal Cass County crash settles Grand Forks cases 18h ago · By Matt Henson Business Sisters developing Kindro app to help users find their chosen family 6h ago · By Stephanie Dickerson Lifestyle What if this winter’s forecast holds true? 5h ago · By Don Kinzler